~ the writer side of annie zirkel

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I believe this is true with bullying. Taking on a situation where someone is trying to take you down can make you feel stronger. Unfortunately when you aren’t successful – whether due to skill, wit, strength or being up against too sophisticated a foe – it can kill you. It can kill your spirit, your sense of self worth or in extreme cases make you think that killing yourself is the only answer. That is why we all need to take this issue seriously.

Recently, I went with my 18 year old son to see Bully a newly released movie that attempts to shed some light bullying and its effects. Here are my thoughts:

Bully exposes viewers to some of the very challenging situations too many children face when trying to survive and thrive in their worlds. It offers us a chance to see and feel for children, parents and communities trying to figure out better ways of getting along and what can happen when we can’t – including the loss of children’s lives.

I appreciated the ability of this film to get at the emotional costs to children and their families who are often dismissed by school officials and left feeling helpless and hopeless.

In one tough scene, we see Alex – a meek young man who has been nicknamed ‘fishface’ – being viciously taunted, harassed, stabbed with pencils and head-slammed into the seat in front of him on the bus. In another heart-wrenching clip we watch parents forcing themselves into a funeral home to “put their son to bed one last time” after he has killed himself due to harassment at school.

Perhaps though, some of the less shocking moments were more poignant. Like when Alex’s mom challenges him on the fact that kids that would do this to him aren’t really his friends. His response, “But if they aren’t my friends, I don’t have any friends.”

The theater audience - which was mostly the entire 7th and 8th grade classes of Ann Arbor Open, their teachers and a dozen parents - all seemed effected by the content. From occasional outcries or quiet sniffles, to clapping at the film’s end followed by a noticably subdued calm, it clearly had an impact. Which is the greatest value of the movie and the most important first step in altering the dynamic of bullying. It is critical to reach the hearts of children so they don’t bully, step in when they see it happening and stand up for themselves if they are being targeted.

Getting at the hearts of administrators and school staff is also essential to inspire change. As the movie exposes this is a big challenge. In fact Alex’s mother sums it up well after an ineffective meeting with a phone-it-in principal stating, “She politicianed us.”

While acknowledging that the clips were edited for effect, that principal was the most difficult to watch. Her pat answers, platitudes and bandaid attempts to get a victim of harassment to shake hands with the source of his torment were offensive not only to me and my son but to the teens in the audience – many of whom cried out in disgust.

As a professional who presents to school communities on this very topic, I must admit that I am often underwhelmed by administrators’ dedication to fostering an environment of safety in their schools. I call them ‘head nodders’ – administrators and staff who say the right things without a real commitment to doing the work. Working off a checklist – did the bullying prevention talk – rather than understanding that these are children’s lives.

Perhaps it is because the issue seems so intractable and they don’t know what to do. Because it is hard to change. Even with the caring that I often do see from dedicated teachers and desperate parents it is difficult to get ahead of this issue.

Educators and parents can and most definitely should use the Bully movie as a valuable tool in their efforts to stem the tide of bullying. But to make headway, it requires serious commitment and support from the entire community – on-going and proactive. It requires a real political and societal will.

That is why I give the teachers of Ann Arbor Open great credit for arranging the screening, inviting parents to attend as well, and for both the pre-discussion and the follow-up that is planned. These are the elements needed to make a real difference. And the message must be repeated often.

Would I have changed any of the movie itself? Yes. I would like to have seen statistics, professionals who are doing it right, deeper exploration of girl bullying which was seriously under-addressed, even one clip the helps us understand why children bully in the first place, and an example of a bystander having a positive impact on the situation.

Those are on my wishlist for that further discussion at Ann Arbor Open and other schools who do make the effort to get students to see this movie. Which is my biggest wish of all – having more schools, administrators and teachers watch this movie themselves AND have their students watch the film as well. It can’t end there, but it would be a start.

As Kirk Smalley, the father of 11 year old Ty who committed suicide due to bullying said – “Be the difference.” Bully, the movie, though not perfect, is trying to do just that.

~~~

Annie Zirkel is a Relationship Consultant, Speaker and Author based in Ann Arbor, Michigan who offers Don’t Take The Bait  - a presentation designed to teach children about bullying and to encourage them and their schools to create cooler, safer places of learning. Contact her at annie@practicehow.com

Dear Annie,

We have this little cousin 7 years old that has brain cancer and she is getting chemotheraphy every week. She is starting to lose her hair and we do not know what to do or say to make her feel better. She says that she does not want to lose her hair and cries. Please help us and let us know what to do.

~ At a loss over child’s hair loss

Dear At a Loss,

Thanks for your e-mail though I am sorry for the reason.

As for your question on how to help you 7 year old cousin, it is hard to watch someone you love, and someone so young, have to go through such a tough ordeal.

As for her sadness about losing her hair – the first thing I would say is to just give her space to be sad. Yes it is about the hair but it is probably also about the fact that she has little control over all that is happening to her. She got no say in getting cancer or having to go through chemo or dealing with all the side effects. The hair is such a visual thing that it means that anyone who sees her will know and she will have to deal with their reactions. This is a lot for a grown-up to deal with, let alone a child.

Statements like, “I know it is sad.“, or “I am sorry that that chemo made you lose your hair.” and then allowing her to be upset for a little while can help her deal with her emotions.

After a pause or if she seems open, I might follow up with more positive comments like, “Hair or no – you are so beautiful.“, or “I’m sorry that you lost your hair but I am glad that the chemo is in there helping you get better.“, or “You are very strong girl to deal with all of this.”

One thing that is often offered but sometimes doesn’t help because it feels dismissive is to remind the person that it will grow back. So instead of just saying this you might consider: “I know it might not feel very comforting right now but does it help to be reminded that it will grow back?” Just remember that she may say ‘no’ which is a completely reasonable answer.

If she is open to a little humor (which can often help at the right time) you might jest about whether it will come back purple or something like that.

In terms of actions of things you can actually do: experimenting with scarves or a wig can help a little. You can find some ideas by clicking here.

In a recent development, Mattel has created a Bald Barbie that will be offered to hospitals where children are getting chemo. Whether that would help or if it inspires you with ideas, I don’t know but it is encouraging.

Finally, as a sign of solidarity with your cousin, you or others close to her might even consider shaving your own heads to help her feel like she isn’t quite so alone. Of course that is a grand gesture and may not be something you are open to but it is something people have done for those dealing with cancer treatment.

I hope some of this advice helps. I do feel for your cousin and all of your family. Obviously you care about each other deeply to be seeking ways to help and this in and of itself is probably the most important thing at this time.

Please take care,
Annie

P.S. Feel free to get back in touch with an update or more questions.

~ ~ ~

Annie Zirkel, LPC is a Speaker, Author and Relationship Consultant based in Ann Arbor, Michigan who (like many people) knows what it is like to have a loved one going through chemo. Contact her at annie@practicehow.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Viewer-submitted question from theDear GMA Advice Guru Contest.

Dear Annie: I am the mother of twin pre-teens and I am ready to start navigating the mine field of inevitable puberty. I am amazed that some of their friends have hit puberty at such a young age. How do I best prepare my girls for the changes they will soon see in their bodies? At what age should they first see a gynecologist? ~ Wondering Mom

Dear Wondering Mom,

Your girls are lucky to have you thinking ahead. As you’ve seen, some girls these days are starting puberty at 8-9 or even younger, so being prepared sooner is wiser.

Here are 10 ways to do that:

1. Re-envision “the talk” as a series of conversations over time covering the different changes they may be experiencing – physical, hormonal, emotional, social, sexual. Be quiet at times so you can hear their concerns.
2. Get your daughters at least one book about puberty to add to, though not replace, your conversations. Read it yourself first so you have up-to-date information. (American Girl’s “The Keeping of You” is a good one for 8-12 year olds.)
3. Consider a mother/daughter puberty workshop as one of their/your rites of passage.
4. Help them get comfortable using the language that describes their body so they can appropriately explain their experiences.
5. One very practical concern is what to do when they experience their first menstrual period (menarche). This is often a real worry for girls. Discuss and plan for different possibilities of where this might happen: on the bus, out in public, during class, at soccer practice. Supply them well in advance with the products and information they will need.
6. According to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology schedule their first appointment with a gynecologist when they are between 13-14. Sooner if there are problems or they become sexually active.
7. Pay attention to your experience. As daughters change, moms often grieve the loss of their little girls who are now moody, irritable and, sometimes, downright disrespectful. Allow yourself space to contemplate what this change means for you.
8. If possible, keep their dad in the loop too so that everyone can appreciate this time.
9. Be their guide. As you make room for the distinct stories they are each creating, remember to share your own puberty story. Include details about how you felt, what helped, what didn’t, what would have.
10. Be their rock. Be their rock when they need someone to lean on and be rock solid in the knowledge and guidance you can offer. The experience of shedding childhood is not unlike the experience of a snake shedding its’ skin. Just like the snake rubs against the nearest rock in hopes of peeling off its’ uncomfortable scales there is a good chance you will be their nearest rock. At these times, while holding them reasonably accountable, it may help to remember that rocks don’t take things personally.

Puberty is a challenging and dynamic process. It is physical, emotional, cognitive, social, sexual, exciting and scary. One that speaks of separation but also hopefully bonds you with your daughters in new ways as they join you in dealing with, and needing support for, the issues of womanhood.

From my perspective of having all boys, even with all these challenges, I envy you.

Good luck, Annie

Annie Zirkel, LPC is a Parenting Consultant, Workshop Presenter and Author based in Ann Arbor, Mi. Contact her at annie@practicehow.com

I hope you find something to make your break better. Keep smiling… (And share any of your pearls of wisdom below