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Annie's Articles
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Parenting Lessons from The Little Red Hen
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To Play or Not Play Ball (When you're married with small kids)
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How to avoid zombie children and juvenile delinquency this summer
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My Dad's Greatest Legacy: Raising sons to be good fathers
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Parents Beware: Kids' Marketing Ain't Kid's Play
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The Challenges of Boys & Gratitude
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World's Greatest Mom - NOT
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How Prickly Are You? Part 1
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Why People Are Prickly: Part 2
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How To Be Less Prickly: Part 3
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Relating To Prickly People: Part 4
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Instilling Gratitude & Dealing with Entitlement
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Invisible Fences - Raising children with and without disabilites
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Standing Up To Bullying
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Standing Up To Bullying Roleplays
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How Bullies & Cliques Are Made
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Creating Safe Schools
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It's all in your head - Having the right mindset
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Getting A Teenager to Talk
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Stop Child From Hitting
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Help with Harsh Sister-In-Law Part 1
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Help with Harsh Sister-In-Law Part 2
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Bought the Wii® - Now To Tell The Wife
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To Butt In Or Not Butt In
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Butt In Or Not Butt In - Part 2
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Lonely Stay-At-Home Mom
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To Gripe or Not To Gripe
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What Was Wrong With My Parent's Parenting?
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Get divorced or bake a pie - The choice is yours
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Teaching Our Kids To Give Thanks
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Mundane Moments of Grief - 6/02
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Giving Kids The Gift of Time
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Almost on the Diane Rehm Show
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Correcting An Unfamiliar Child In Public
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Grown Children Still Fighting
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Resolving Resentment Toward Husband
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Husband is driving me crazy!
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Spoiled Kid or Anxiety Control?
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Getting Involved In A Parent/Child Meltdown
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Teaching Kids About Rationalization
In the story The Little Red Hen, the overworked and under-supported Mama Hen spends all her time cooking and cleaning while the rest of her household naps the day away.
Finally fed up after getting no help in tending some wheat seeds she eventually turns into flour and then a cake, she answers the question of “Who’s going to eat this cake?” with, “Not any of you.”
Marriage Dilemma #12: Wife's resentment at husband's sports league commitments.
There’s a good chance that when you first got together with your now-partner, him playing on a sports team with his friends was all part of the fun.
But now that you are married with small children and limited family time, this activity may feel like a luxury that's beyond the family budget and one that causes on-going resentment every time he grabs his mitt and heads out the door.
Raise your hand if you fear that your child’s honest answer to 'What I did on my summer vacation' will be: slept a lot; did most of my socializing on-line; spent countless afternoons moping around and fighting with my siblings; played hundreds of hours of video games; lost a huge chunk of the previous year's learning - or worse yet - got into lots of trouble in the world when no one was looking. 
My dad is 82 years old. So with Father's Day approaching, I decided to take a trip back to my childhood and contemplate this man and his influence on me. What I discovered was not what I expected but an insight that I have come to regard as possibly his greatest legacy.
It is a legacy that I admire from the sidelines. And one that I am impressed by far beyond these words.
Excerpt from You'll Thank Me Later ~
A Guide to Raising Grateful Children
(& Why That Matters)
The Nature? of Boys
According to research, girls seem to access gratitude easier and with a broader scope than boys. How much of this is biological and how much is cultural is hard to say but it is likely both.
Research has even found that American men value gratitude less than men of other cultures. The theory is that gratitude means that
A.) You didn’t do it alone. Meaning you needed help.
B.) You are now indebted to someone.
I remember the morning I realized it. My sons were 6, 4 1/2 and 18 months old and had done something that had gotten me upset. What they did completely escapes me now which tells you how bad it must not have been, but for whatever reason I went beyond my usual aggravation to a crazy place. Even now I can recall the rush of heat rising to my face. And then the roar. It was a furious, excruciating explosion of a person going insane. The tirade went on for at least several minutes as I exhausted my frustration and despair at this latest infraction. On and on I went, like a hurricane slowing down only to gather new force.
(Part 1 of a 3 part series on Being Prickly)
We come into contact with prickly people all the time. It might be a scowl, a frosty attitude or a touchy disposition. It might be the choice of words as in 'What do you want?!'
Sometimes they serve us coffee. Sometimes they sit across from us at work or in committee meetings. Sometimes they live in our neighborhood or even worse! in our own homes.
And sometimes - more often then we'd like to admit - they are staring back at us in the mirror.
Hopefully you've started at the beginning of this series with
Part 1 ~ How Prickly Are You? and Part 2 ~ Why People Are Prickly.
We can all be prickly sometimes, which doesn't mean we aren't good people, but it may mean that our thorns are getting in the way of others seeing that.
But acknowledging our prickliness still leaves us with two choices. We can either justify our approach - blaming it on genetics, life, others or apathy - and do nothing, or we can take responsibility for our actions and work to change people's experience of us.
Raising a child with disabilities is like living in a yard with an invisible fence.
The trouble with an invisible fence is that you only learn where the perimeter is when you make the mistake of crossing the unseen barrier and get zapped by life telling you that you aren't allowed to go there.
Maybe it's a place like a preschool that doesn't want your child. Maybe it's a friendship that fades away as your lives take different paths. Maybe it's an expectation - like how holidays will look or what activities your family is going to participate in.
Dear Annie,
Note: This question is a combination of questions from different parents whose children are being bullied at school. My 12 year old son (daughter), a pretty typical kid (or a kid who might be a little too nice, too sensitive, too talkative, too socially clueless, too odd, too out-of-sync, too needy, too easily angered, too un-funny, too different looking, or even too confident) is being verbally bullied by a group of kids at school. I don't know if I am overreacting (I want to slap these kids silly, call their parents and yell at the teacher!) but I want to help him deal with this. I don't know how involved I should be or when and how I should take it to the next level. Any ideas? - Concerned Mom
STANDING UP TO BULLYING ROLEPLAYS - Helping your child practice what to say and how to say it can be extremely valuable because you get good at what you practice. Roleplaying is a very specific exercise that can help a child be prepared for dealing with bullying. Here are some specific suggestions on HOW to support your child behind the scenes so that they are ready when the time comes.
How Are Bullies made? If you really want to understand bullying you need to see it from the inside out and the outside in. Given the right (or wrong) circumstances it can happen to more of us that we might want to believe.
When it comes to bullying in schools there are 3 trains of thought:
1. Bullying doesn't happen that much.
2. Bullying happens but it's just part of life and people need to get over it.
3. Bullying is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.
Let's take a look at these...
Two four-year-old children are given a simple jigsaw puzzle to complete. They both do very well.
Then they are asked, "Do you want to do this puzzle again or do you want to try a harder one?"
Do you know which puzzle your child would pick? How about yourself?
Dear Annie,
Hi Annie:
Dear Annie,
My sister-in-law is a wonderful women. She is a protective and caring mother and the first to volunteer when someone needs help. Also my relationship with her is great. However she can be very hard on her husband, which in turn effects my wife and mother-in-law who lives with us (I am married to the husband's sister). My brother-in-law (BIL) provides her a very good life style, he is a successful doctor and she has never had to work outside the home and has wanted for nothing. Yet she appears to have no joy in her life.
The problem comes in that she makes BIL's life miserable if he ever wants to do anything with the guys (golf, cards). Recently, we invited them over only to be told that she didn't want to come. BIL did come with 2 of the 3 children, stayed a while and left. He could not explain her behavior primarily because he does not understand it himself. After he left my mother-in-law was in tears because she sees her son is not happy. My wife has concerns about the well being of her brother and nieces. Should I get involved? Signed - Brother-In-Law-In-Law
Dear Brother-In-Law-In-Law,
In Part 1 of this question, we talked about the possible reasons for why your sister-in-law may be hard on her husband. In Part 2 we talk about whether you should you get involved.
Dear Annie,
Hi Annie,
My husband and I recently had an uncomfortable dinner with a good friend and her husband. During the evening her husband was dismissive of her: interrupting, competing for attention, and putting down some of her ideas when she talked. At one point they were both explaining their sides to an argument they were having - as if we were supposed to decide who was right. My husband says that my friend is kind of flaky and needs a guy like that to keep her from being impulsive. I say their marriage is in trouble.
After the evening, their bickering rubbed off on us. I want to talk to my friend and ask her what's going on. My husband says that it's just me butting in. So should I get involved? And if so HOW do I bring it up? Signed - Butt in or not?
Do you want to offer advice or bring up a touchy relationship topic to someone you care about? If so, are you good at giving advice?
Everyone can use a little support - as long as it is done well. Here are some questions to ponder before you decide to help someone with some issue, challenge or problem.
My stay-at-home wife "complains" about not having any close girl friends nearby. I work a lot and her family lives a couple of hours away. She is a hard worker around the house and with our 9 and 10 year old kids, but socially she rarely plans anything or makes much effort to get together with anyone. I encourage her to get out with the friends that she does have, but she never plans anything. She has a hard time making new friends and doesn't like to go out at night, when most of the friends that she has go out. I get frustrated because she doesn't seem to do anything to fix the problem, and my suggestions are quickly dismissed. Do you have any suggestions that I could use to help her become more social and make new friends? - Signed - Frustrated Husband
Dear Annie,
With some variation here's how married life often happens. You meet the person of your dreams. You fall in love, get married, set up a home and possibly add some children. But then what?
Life gets busy. Kids, job requirements, house maintenance, individual hobbies, outside friendships and extended family obligations all take a piece of the pie. Our committed relationships get pushed further and further down the priorities list and before you know it, there is no more pie.
Note: This article first appeared in A Different Path in 2002. It is one of my favorite pieces because it speaks to the challenges of grief when it is not as clear cut as sadness from an actual death. Loss is tricky...
A million Christmases ago, when my now-teenagers were little, besides the special wishlist items we put under the tree, I added a fairly simple gift of my own. I gave each of my sons a coupon for a 45 minute block of one-on-one time with me each week.
For those of you who don’t know, Diane Rehm hosts a show on NPR. According to the WAMU website: "For more than 25 years, The Diane Rehm Show has offered listeners thoughtful and lively conversations on an array of topics with many of the most distinguished people of our times."
Now before you get too excited and to set the record straight, I wasn’t almost on the show as a guest, I was almost on the show as a caller. Actually, technically, I was on the show but let me get to that.
Dear Annie,
The other day while walking my dog in a public park I saw a boy of maybe 11 years old climb on top of a public fountain and stand on it and shout, "Look at me!" (I guess he was showing off for a girl.) This kid weighed at least 150 pounds and the fountain was free standing and very nice having been installed a couple of years earlier by the city. It was not fragile but it was not built for climbing.
So I asked the kid what he was doing and pointed out that he was standing on a drinking fountain and that the playground equipment was, "Over there." He responded with attitude then jumped down and I went on his way.
Dear Annie,
My daughter and son (48 and 56 respectively) do not get along. She refuses to be in his presence, won't enter his house if he's there, nor will she ask him to her house. He is the same towards her.
For years we have tried to think through the personal histories that have harassed them in many ways, including their interpersonal problems. I've tried, to discuss some of this with each of them, with little apparent success. My parenting part in their woes I have apologized for, but I can't go back in history and change things. They say they don't blame my single parenting, but that may or may not be true.
I love them both and this falling out is breaking my heart. Any advice?
- Still My Children
Dear Annie,
I am writing to you because of a situation that happened this summer that has created such resentment in me that I can't shake it. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and have four children, two with disabilities under the age of 10, a 21 year old who has bipolar disorder and a 17 year old who is very quiet, but otherwise fine.
One day, my father-in-law, who is bipolar himself, was fixing something in our backyard an d left the side gate open. When I came out and saw this, my heart dropped because my severely autistic 9 year old has gotten out before and had to be saved from being hit by a car in the middle of a busy road, so we all know the rules that all doors must be closed and locked at all times.
Because my father-in-law is hard to deal with I usually bite my tongue but this time, in my panic, I screamed at him that he should know better. At the time he had a shovel in his hands and he threw the dirt that was on it at me and shouted 'I should take this shovel and hit you over the head and kill you, you gave my son 4 retards!'
Dear Annie,
My husband and I have been married 10 months and are blissfully in love. We are currently on a cross-country trip together, and all kinds of conflicts are arising. We are fighting about reading maps, miles per gallon calculations, and the fact that my husband is talking on the phone while drinking coffee, and driving in congested city freeway traffic. We are only halfway through our trip. How do we finish this trip compatibly??
Signed - Driving Me Crazy
Dear Annie,
It seems like whenever I grant a special treat to my 8-year-old son, it makes everyone more miserable than if there were no treat at all. For example, if I surprise him with the statement that I'm making cookies for dessert, then he quickly starts complaining that he wants them for snack instead, or when I present the cookie, he complains that he wants two instead of one, or that he wishes they were a different kind, or... you get the picture.
Dear Annie,
Yesterday in the grocery store, I witnessed a bad interaction between a mother and her 4ish year old son. He was getting whiny about not getting a cereal that he wanted and mom told him he was being a brat. It got worse from there with the child defying her and trying to put the box in the cart anyway and mom's temper flaring. She didn't do anything excessively physical but she was clearly losing it. Being a mom myself, I try not to judge because we can all lose our cool sometimes, and I wanted to help but couldn't think of what I could say.
Several years ago, when my son tried to convince me that he had no choice but to hit his brother, I took the opportunity to teach my kids the word "rationalization."