1. Distorted Power: As children grow up, they are trying to figure out how life works. They quickly hit on power as a pretty important key to success. But at some times and with some kids - their quest for this power goes too far.
3. Warped Push Back: Finding our power is an important aspect in life, but HOW do you know if you've gone too far? By getting 'push back'. Kids (and grown-ups) who bully don't get good 'push back':
- From their internal senses of compassion, empathy and guilt
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From parents who either don't point out (with a good balance of empathy and accountability) when a child has crossed the line - possibly because they are unaware, intimidated, or even OK with the behavior - or unfortunately, go to the other extreme and push TOO hard with either consequences or so much shame that it actually makes bullying more likely in the future;
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From teachers and schools who either miss it; turn a blind eye; actually encourage it by elevating certain kids to elite status or laughing along; or unfortunately, like some parents - go to the other extreme and push TOO hard with either consequences or so much shame that it actually makes bullying more likely in the future;
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From other kids who are either not strong enough to stand up to them or who are just so grateful to be friends or followers of these power-craving kids;
Attempts to limit their distorted sense of power (or as they see it - their rights) feels threatening - including other people wanting their own power or rights (rights to exist, to be treated with respect, to sit on a bus and not be hassled, to have an opinion, to be different than YOU, to play on the play structure, to laugh, to sit there, to have friends, or even the right to say something stupid or make mistakes or fumble the football without being condemned).
Here is where the 'push back' does happen - only it is a distorted bullying push back - justified, in the mind of a child or grown-up who is bullying as reasonable or deserved.
How Are Cliques & Gangs Made? In a typical friendship group, children can have a 'pack mentality' when it comes to power. Weakness is dangerous to a pack, so the group looks for what they perceive as a weak link and try - often through joking, teasing, or embarrassing (but sometimes with more severe forms of bullying) - to change a behavior that threatens the strength of the group.
With less destructive forms of pressure, and in situations of generally equally-skilled kids, this is actually an opportunity for kids to grow and obtain more skills. The test is whether - when someone crosses the line to more abusive pressure - that they become aware that they have 'crossed the line' or if someone makes them aware with Push Back - ("That was mean", "Knock it off", "Shut up") they find a way to pull back - by either apologizing or just easing up. (Harder to do when they are publicly shamed!)
Sometimes groups of friends become cliques when a 'group think' develops into an over-identified US-Them Complex. When this line becomes too rigid either others are considered 'less than' and fair game for disregard or abuse OR others are seen as a threat to the group and seen as fair game for being picked on, teased, taunted, harassed, shunned or more severely bullied.
Working on breaking the Us-Them Complex is an important part of intervention of this type. Besides instilling empathy, one way to break it is by teaching/showing/helping them see two things: 'different can be ok' and 'we aren't as different as it seems'.
Sometimes you break it by addressing the whole group. Sometimes you break it one person at a time - by encouraging the leaders of the group to rethink their power needs or by working closely with more reasonable members to not go along.