Knowing how to help your child, especially as they start growing up and we, as parents, are supposed to step back, can be really challenging. You are actually lucky that your son has confided in you. Sometimes children - feeling like they are supposed to handle this themselves, fearing that their parents will 'overreact', or figuring that their parents will give them the 'just ignore them' advice - don't share what is really going on in the first place. So being the kind of support your child needs is important. Here are two possible responses to consider:
Child responses: With your support, your son handles this situation himself. In the ideal resolution to this kind of bullying (not immediately dangerous and still early in the game) your son will assert himself in a way that changes the dynamic, builds his self-confidence and maybe even converts these other children to friends or at least more respectful classmates.
Grown-up responses: You step in. If the situation continues or even escalates, stepping in may be necessary. (With younger children, children whose skills are no match for the bullying child(ren), or if the bullying is serious this is done sooner).
Supporting Your child: How can you help your child handle baiting and bullying? The best way is through modeling respectful and self-respecting behavior, having on-going discussions, bringing in books and movies (See Bullying Prevention Resources for specific ideas), working on self-esteem with questions like: Do you think you deserve to be talked to - treated like - that? and acknowledging the real truth that the desire for acceptance and friendship can drive kids to take all kinds of less-than-nice behavior from others. (See How To Create A Bully or A Clique.) Also remember that even if your child is getting just 'little' digs, exclusionary messages, put downs etc - that many small messages still add up to a BIG deal.
If baiting or bullying is occurring - ask your child to role play the experience so that they can practice various comebacks that will change the dynamics.
Here are the steps for roleplaying:
- Ask your child to do this with you (even humor you).
- Set up a time that you can have some fun with the roleplaying. (Note: You are always the bullying child. We want them practicing the comebacks not the bullying. Ask specifically what is being said or done. Your role is to increase the meanness one notch at a time, while letting him know you are trying to make it harder.)
- Practice the specific words to say and the assertive, non-defensive tone; strong, tall body language; and good eye-contact that goes with it. (Also consider when are good times to respond [actually telling someone to stop at a time when the bullying is not happening can be very effective], who to say them to - if it's more than one person, addressing the less mean, or the more 'sometimes friend', or the 'supposed-to-be friend') See Roleplaying article for specifics.
Grown-up Getting Involved:
Intervention: Stepping in is appropriate in some cases. Especially when children are younger - directly stopping bullying behavior swiftly, and modeling better behavior is important. (Remember to teach the empathy after things have calmed down.) As children grow older and begin to obtain skills, you want them doing more of the practicing of these skills so that they can master them.
Also, if the bullying is bigger than your child's abilities, and/or because the bullying child needs intervention so that they can get on the right track too, intervening directly can be appropriate.
If necessary, talk with the child's school - teacher first - then principal if there is no good resolution - and kindly, yet firmly insist that this situation be addressed. General class/all school discussions and activities that lay the foundation for respectful interaction can sometimes give less agressive bullying children insight into their behavior without exposing your child. But if the situation is serious it needs to be addressed more directly.
When talking with schools - using respectful, empathetic language while being firm in your expectations is usually more successful. And being reasonable - even open to the possibility that your child participated in escalating the incident - even unknowingly - can actually strengthen your case. Ask to be informed about what is being done. (Though due to confidentiality, schools can only tell you so much.) And let the school know what you are doing (like roleplaying with your child) and that you will follow-up on whether your child feels things are improving or not.
(In neighborhood situations, talking with parents that you think may be reasonable - using firm and empathetic language and being open to the possibility that your child participated in escalating the incident - can help. Asking to have kids sit down and discuss things - can also work depending on the situation - looking for empathy and asking them to do things better in the future.)
Prevention: Besides helping your child respond to bullying, you may also want to help them find groups, activities, clubs, and other friends to counter these discouraging experiences. I also highly encourage you to become an advocate for respectful behavior in your community and your child's school. Consider working with the school to bring in more messages of respect and inclusion, and stronger stands against bullying. Of course you can and should hold your child's school accountable for the environment that they foster, however you can be part of the solution by helping this happen in more direct ways.
Let me know if you have more questions. I hope this helped. - Annie
Check out these articles and resources:
Standing Up to Bullying Roleplays
How Bullies & Cliques Are Made
Have a situation you want advice on? Click here to Ask Annie