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Annie's Book


Great GIFT Idea

For the parent who reads it

and the children

who have that parent!



 

Press Release

Contents

Read Excerpt

Reviews




Retail price $11.95

On-line Price $10.



~~~



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What_Makes_You_Happier


According to the book Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives your odds of being happy increase 15% when friends in your immediate circle are happy.
February Special Event!


Happy_posterPracticeHOW & other Michigan practitioners
are excited to be sponsoring:

with Panel Discussion
On World Happy Day
February 11, 2012 - 12pm
Michigan Theater
603 E. Liberty, Ann Arbor

 

Directed by Roko Belic, HAPPY
 takes you around the globe combining
 real‐life
 human
 drama
 and
 cutting‐edge
 science 
to 
provide 
insights 
into
 the 
mysteries 
of
 happiness.

Tickets are $10/Adult, $5/Student
~~~
For more information and to watch the trailer go to www.thehappymovie.com
Looking forward to seeing you at this special event.


girls_and_puberty Viewer-submitted question from the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest.

Dear Annie: I am the mother of twin pre-teens and I am ready to start navigating the mine field of inevitable puberty. I am amazed that some of their friends have hit puberty at such a young age. How do I best prepare my girls for the changes they will soon see in their bodies? At what age should they first see a gynecologist? ~ Wondering Mom


Electronic_Family_Xmas_Card

Ahh... School is out and your kids have two weeks for fun, relaxation, getting bored, fighting with each other and spending up to 100 hours on some kind of screen. Sounds like a wonderful 'break'! Especially because that last one - which creates crankier offspring - is the default solution for many kids these days.


Fortunately with a little planning - you can help avoid some of the vacation pitfalls and all have a better time for your efforts. Here is a list of 10 things (from easier to more planned) that can help:

Electronic_Family_Xmas_Card

I know it was a joke. Someone posted one of those Christmas photos showing a dad and three kids all in the same matching jean colored shirts and pants. But in this photo no one is looking at the camera because they are all looking down at some electronic device.

I chuckle for a second until I remember that it's too true to be that funny. There is just something about embracing our weaknesses that bums me out.

But then I remember the good news...

5050_Adventure

Dear Reader,


In case you've been wondering why I haven't posted lately here's what's going on. Without going into detail, this year has had a few too many setbacks, sadnesses and life stresses. Not all bad of course but just a lot crammed into a short period of time.

 

Now I am big on living life with purpose but I found that trying to keep it all together was not working. So I went the other route and let a lot of it go.

 

Fortunately, this has made room for me to create my latest, greatest adventure...

You_Can_Do_ItIf you think you can or you think you can't, you're probably right. ~ Henry Ford


The 'I Can't' mindset is something I come across often. Sometimes it's from my children when I asked them to get up for school or my husband when he doesn't find time to exercise. Sometimes it's from a discouraged client who can't get behind his or her own goals. And sometimes it's from my own mind focusing on all the problems, all the reasons why not, all the barriers to success.

 

When I was considering going back to grad school at age 38, there were plenty of reasons why that was a bad idea. I'm too old. The kids are too young. It will be too hard. I don't have the money. Fortunately I worked through those obstacles because had I let them guide me, I would not have gotten that degree. And I would not be doing the work I love today.

 

pinocchio
Catching your child in a lie can be a troubling experience. Fear of moral weakness, anger at being manipulated or even hurt by a sense of betrayal, parents can react pretty strongly to these transgressions.


But it is important to remember both that it's a rare person who hasn't dabbled in dishonesty and that there's a big gap between telling a lie and being a pathological liar.

 

How we respond to our children's lying can make a difference in whether this is a stage or a profession. So before you get out that bar of soap or the tabasco sauce, it might help to understand the purpose and development of lying.

Saturday, 11 June 2011 16:18

Go The F@#k To Sleep - Book Review

GoToSleepGo The Fuck To Sleep is a new book written by Adam Mansbach about a tired parent's frustration at his child's inability to go to sleep. Written like a children's book - but definitely not one - it mimics the rhyming cuplet style of the sleepytime genre only with a twist.


The story highlights much of the 11th hour drama that parents with young kids can relate to. Negotiating the number of books read, glasses of water drunk, and, not surprisingly, just how many trips to the bathroom need to be taken, it offers two sweet lines of text, followed by two exacerbated lines finishing with the book's catchy signature phrase.

 

The book appears to be doing well and the author is making the rounds to media outlets. But there's something about a book that jokes about being SO frustrated with your child that you would repeatly tell them to 'Go the fuck to sleep' - if only in your head - that has me going against the 'this book had me ROTFLMAO' crowd and give it a thumbs down.


Not that, like many people, I didn't chuckle on the first page but...

Thursday, 09 June 2011 11:22

Unhappy partner blames me for everything

Husband_Blames_WifeDear Annie,

 

I have an arranged marriage that is having problems. When my husband and I talk, he makes issues out of everthing I say. Also he never supports me with my mother-in-law who seems to look for that moment when she can create a misunderstanding between us.

I have a baby and my husband threatens divorce. Then calls up my parents every other day complaining. What can I do to make this better? ~ Worried and Discouraged

Scroll down for a six minute video showing a couple (yes it's my husband and I) with different expectations of how the afternoon is going to be spent. Hopefully it inspires you to play around with how you approach to couple conflict. Especially if you would like different results. ~ Annie

Its_A_Girl

(I have three awesome sons but I always wanted a daughter too. So if I had had one, here's what I would say to her now.)

 

Dear daughter,


WOW - have you grown up. It's like I can't even remember when you were a little girl. Now you are sorting out the world of school, friends, boys, sex, career plans, and eventually marriage? motherhood?

 

It's a confusing time with lots of pressure and messages about what you should be doing. And I know I've given you plenty of advice already but I hope you are open to a little more. There are some tough challenges you are facing and I - well - as your mother, am worried for you.

Tiger_Bear_Lion

What constitutes good mothering?

 

When Lenore Skenazy shared that she allowed her 9 year old son to 'roam' the landscape and subways of NY she felt a huge public backlash. The confessions of Amy Chua’s tiger mother approach started a firestorm of debate about over-controlling parents. And Sarah Palin is always an easy target for arguing that she is too involved or not involved enough in her children's lives and their Dancing With The Stars bids.

 

Most mothering is judged as too hard, too soft, too absent or too emeshed with their children. With the end result being the same message - we are bad mothers.

Glass_Half_Full

Optimism is a wonderful approach to life. And it isn't just me and a bunch of pollyannas who think so. Research on the benefits of this trait show that optimists are happier, healthier, have better relationships and live longer. They even get more jobs than their pessimistic pals.

But optimism isn't as simple as seeing the glass half full. To gain the advantages of optimism it has to be done well. And there are some surprising nuances. Are you curious? Then keep reading...

Thursday, 06 January 2011 12:16

The Secret(s) to a good life!

Telling_A_SecretWhat is the secret to a good life? I have been actively pondering this question since I was asked to answer it during my recent adventure to become Good Morning America's first Advice Guru. (I made it to the top 20 and this was my last challenge: answer this question on video in 20 seconds or less. Which may be why I didn't make it past this round. Has anyone ever known me to only talk for 20 seconds?)

My brain raced with thousands of thoughts! I sought the wise words of spiritual leaders, popular writers, poets, musicians, bumper stickers, and the wisdom of family, facebook friends, fans, my gratitude group, my teenagers and my clients. On the suggestion of one friend, I even googled it!

I scribbled notes, typed and reworked nearly 50 answers and recorded a half a dozen less than brilliant clips. When I finally had my first major insight -
Tuesday, 04 January 2011 16:21

A Fun Ride - even it is was too short...

Dear Friends, Family and Fans,

 

I just wanted to post this quickly to update you on the fact that my bid for the Advice Guru Job at Good Morning America is over. They announced 7 of the 20 to continue on and I was not among them.

 

It has been an awesome ride - though it ended before I wanted to get off. The best parts involved getting to answer questions, learning to have more faith in myself and all of you - the people who stepped up and made me feel extremely cared about.

 

You all rock! In fact I've gotten much of the wisdom I do possess from watching those around me learn and grow. So thank you all for your support and for your example of how to step up and make another person's day!

 

I am sure that another ride is just around the corner too. So stay tuned...

Annie

Tuesday, 14 December 2010 12:20

Annie Answers GMA Viewer Questions

 

ABCGMA_logo

Here are my answers to the first two GMA Guru Questions. If you think I give good advice, please Vote on, Comment On, or Facebook 'like' them. And even if the subjects don't appeal to you, if you are open - I can GUARANTEE you will learn something for yourself in each of them.

 

Answer #3: Aging, Guilt & Family Tradition

Answer #2: Preparing Girls for Puberty

Answer #1: Mom & ME Time and taking time for you

 

(Votes are cumulative over all the questions. Vote box is at the end of the article.)


p.s. It is possible that some other finalists' well-intentioned friends are also voting against the 'competition'. And while it is an honor that you might love me that much, please don't participate in that. I think all the finalists are good people trying to make a difference in this world. They don't deserve that kind of thing.

 

Thanks for your support.

~ Annie

 

 

 

ABCGMA_logo

It's official! Out of 15,000 applicants, amazingly, I am one of 20 finalists in Good Morning America's new Advice Guru!

This is an amazing opportunity and one that I think I would be wonderful at! But here is where I need your help for a change.

 

So if you believe in me and my work and want to help, here are some ways to do that:

 

• Read, Vote on, Comment on, FB Like, and/or Share my GMA Advice (See above for links).

Check out my application at GMA. Comment & facebook 'like' it.

• Consider these 3 Fs - Facebook, Follow Me, Forward On

1. Facebook: Friend me at Annie Zirkel Lpc, or 'like' my Advice Page

2. Follow Me: on twitter @ AnnieZirkel

3. Forward on your vote of support to family, friends,your networks


Even if you don't do any of these, I hope you wish me luck.

And stay tuned... ~ Annie

Wednesday, 01 December 2010 09:43

How To Deal with Stress

LonelyWomanDear Annie,

While helping others deal with stress is important, what do I do if I am the stressed person? It seems like I have so many issues to deal with on a day-to-day basis. I've been seeing a counselor and am on medication but I still get so stressed out at times that it makes me physically ill. Do you have any suggestions? ~ Overwhelmed with Stress

Saturday, 27 November 2010 08:17

Helping Others Deal with Stress

Massaging_StressStress is like the flu. It can get passed on just by coming into contact with someone who has it! And holidays - with all their high expectations, sense of obligations, crowd navigations, and family connections - set up the perfect conditions for catching and passing on this bug.

 

Sunday, 14 November 2010 08:21

My Husband and His Female Friend

Married_mans_ring_fingerHi Annie,

Here is my situation. I'm upset that my husband has an ex-coworker friend - female - that he texts everyday. She lives about 3 hours away, is about 20 years younger than him and is divorced.

He assures me that there's nothing romantic going on and has made an attempt to keep the texting down when we're out for dinner, but every night he's in the TV room and they are texting a lot.

He has left two wives (one which was me - we have remarried) for other women. So if I accept what he's saying, am I fooling myself?

Signed ~ Fool for Love

Couple__Dog_CC_donjd2

So what do you think?

Dog training or Couple's training which one do people like better?

-~-

Now I'm not saying that this is a scientific study or anything but from what I’m seeing dogs win hands down.

Friday, 22 October 2010 09:33

Being Short In Middle School

Late_bloomerWhen my son was in 7th grade he was particularly short.


Genetically predisposed to being a late bloomer he found himself suddenly surrounded by a sea of students who had literally grown a foot overnight. Between gawky limbs, swirling body odor, deepening voices and the constant chatter of socially-dawning teenagers, my undersized son worked to maneuver the halls and the rules of middle school.

ABCGMA_logo#1: The following is the first of 3 questions for the ABC Good Morning America Advice Guru Challenge. I applied for the position. What do you think of my 150-word-or-less answer?


Whenever there is an issue between my mother-in-law and me, my husband refuses to stand up for me. How do I get him to value our relationship more than the one with his mother?

Thursday, 30 September 2010 20:08

GMA: Mom worried son is being bullied

ABCGMA_logo#2: The following is the second of 3 questions for the ABC Good Morning America Advice Guru Challenge. I applied for the position. What do you think of my 150-word-or-less answer?


While cleaning my son’s room, I accidentally saw on his Facebook page threatening remarks from his friends. I fear he’s being bullied. What should I do?

Thursday, 30 September 2010 19:14

GMA: Boss taking credit for employee ideas

 

ABCGMA_logo#3: The following is the third of 3 questions for the ABC Good Morning America Advice Guru Challenge. I applied for the position. What do you think of my 150-word-or-less answer?


My boss keeps taking credit for my ideas. What should I do?

Little_Red_Hen_Cover

In the story The Little Red Hen, the overworked and under-supported Mama Hen spends all her time cooking and cleaning while the rest of her household naps the day away.


Finally fed up after getting no help in tending some wheat seeds she eventually turns into flour and then a cake, she answers the question of “Who’s going to eat this cake?” with, “Not any of you.”

Mitt_and_ball_-_CCShutterBugChef

Marriage Dilemma: Wife's resentment at husband's sports league commitments.


There’s a good chance that when you first got together with your now-partner, him playing on a sports team with his friends was all part of the fun.

 

But now that you are married with small children and limited family time, this activity may feel like a luxury that's beyond the family budget and one that causes on-going resentment every time he grabs his mitt and heads out the door.

Bored_teen_CC_sunshinecityRaise your hand if you fear that your child’s honest answer to 'What I did on my summer vacation' will be: slept a lot; did most of my socializing on-line; spent countless afternoons moping around and fighting with my siblings; played hundreds of hours of video games; lost a huge chunk of the previous year's learning - or worse yet - got into lots of trouble in the world when no one was looking.

Most tweens and pre-working teens love the thought of summer vacation. But once it gets going the sheer number of hours to fill can lead to 10+ hour, zombie-induced, video game marathons interspersed with wandering the world under the radar and getting into trouble.

Dad__I_10My dad is 82 years old. So with Father's Day approaching, I decided to take a trip back to my childhood and contemplate this man and his influence on me. What I discovered was not what I expected but an insight that I have come to regard as possibly his greatest legacy.

It is a legacy that I admire from the sidelines. And one that I am impressed by far beyond these words.

gate_latch
From the moment our children are born we, as parents, are asked to be the gatekeepers for what and with whom our children come into contact.


Do they have access to plug outlets or the cords of mini-blinds? Are they being exposed to lead? Could they choke on that grape? And this doesn't even begin to consider who their childcare provider is and other, much bigger, concerns.

ytml_small


Excerpt from You'll Thank Me Later ~

A Guide to Raising Grateful Children

(& Why That Matters)

 


The Nature? of Boys

According to research, girls seem to access gratitude easier and with a broader scope than boys. How much of this is biological and how much is cultural is hard to say but it is likely both.

Research has even found that American men value gratitude less than men of other cultures. The theory is that gratitude means that

A.) You didn’t do it alone. Meaning you needed help.

B.) You are now indebted to someone.


Not_Greatest_Mom_-_CCodolphieI remember the morning I realized it. My sons were 6, 4 1/2 and 18 months old and had done something that had gotten me upset. What they did completely escapes me now which tells you how bad it must not have been, but for whatever reason I went beyond my usual aggravation to a crazy place.

Even now I can recall the rush of heat rising to my face. And then the roar. It was a furious, excruciating explosion of a person going insane. The tirade went on for at least several minutes as I exhausted my frustration and despair at this latest infraction. On and on I went, like a hurricane slowing down only to gather new force.

(Part 1 of a 3 part series on Being Prickly)


porcupine_CCDrew_Avery

We come into contact with prickly people all the time. It might be a scowl, a frosty attitude or a touchy disposition. It might be the choice of words as in 'What do you want?!'


Sometimes they serve us coffee. Sometimes they sit across from us at work or in committee meetings. Sometimes they live in our neighborhood or even worse! in our own homes.


And sometimes - more often then we'd like to admit - they are staring back at us in the mirror.


(Part 2 of a 3 part series on Being Prickly)

Cactus_CCSearchNetMedia
Did you ever have an interaction with someone and walk away going - WT?? Do you have relationships where you walk away with that feeling all time? And the bigger question - Do people experience you that way?

Most of us slip occasionally, becoming prickly toward the people around us and could benefit from asking ourselves how we are coming across. But if you really want to understand and do connection better it helps to consider WHY you or someone in your life may be prickly in the first place.

(Part 3 of a 3 part series on Being Prickly)



Rose_thorns2_CCingridtaylar

Hopefully you've started at the beginning of this series with

Part 1 ~ How Prickly Are You? and Part 2 ~ Why People Are Prickly.

 

We can all be prickly sometimes, which doesn't mean we aren't good people, but it may mean that our thorns are getting in the way of others seeing that.

 

But acknowledging our prickliness still leaves us with two choices. We can either justify our approach - blaming it on genetics, life, others or apathy - and do nothing, or we can take responsibility for our actions and work to change people's experience of us.


If you are open to the latter and want to become a less prickly, more pleasant person to be around, then here are some attitudes and actions you can use.

Part 4 of a 3 part series on Being Prickly

Dog_meets_porcupine_CCdaisyelaine

The trouble with prickly people is that they are - well - prickly. As you can see by this picture it can literally be painful to be around them. So it’s a natural reaction to want to limit your contact.

Unfortunately, for the hyper-reacter or grouch it is hard to learn new ways of being with people when people don't go the extra distance to positively invest in you.

Invisible_fenceRaising a child with disabilities is like living in a yard with an invisible fence.

The trouble with an invisible fence is that you only learn where the perimeter is when you make the mistake of crossing the unseen barrier and get zapped by life telling you that you aren't allowed to go there.


Maybe it's a place like a preschool that doesn't want your child. Maybe it's a friendship that fades away as your lives take different paths. Maybe it's an expectation - like how holidays will look or what activities your family is going to participate in.

dandelionsLiving down wind from a park, my yard is especially prone to dandelions. By late spring our house is completely surrounded by a sea of yellow blooms. Actually if that’s how dandelions stayed, I wouldn’t consider it too much of a bother. I don’t mind adding a little color to my lawn especially given the fact that I’m not known for my green thumb.

But soon enough all the wishes have blown away and what’s left are just stark ugly, bare stems. These I don’t like. So every year, when my lawn becomes highlighted by those determined little intruders, I get to work. I dig out my trusted weed puller and head out for a battle - ‘un garde.’
Wednesday, 17 February 2010 16:09

Standing Up To Bullying


Dear Annie,

BoyAngry1(Note: This question is a combination of questions from different parents whose children are being bullied at school.)

My 12 year old son (daughter), a pretty typical kid (or a kid who might be a little too: naive, sensitive, awkward, talkative, socially clueless, odd, out-of-sync, needy, easily angered, un-funny, different looking, or even confident) is being picked on by a group of kids at school. I don't know if I am overreacting (I want to slap these kids silly, call their parents and yell at the teacher!) but I want to help him deal with this. I don't know how involved I should be or when and how I should take it to the next level. Any ideas? - Concerned Mom

Wednesday, 17 February 2010 16:00

Standing Up To Bullying Roleplays

BoyAngry1


STANDING UP TO BULLYING ROLEPLAYS - Helping your child practice what to say and how to say it can be extremely valuable because you get good at what you practice. Roleplaying is a very specific exercise that can help a child be prepared for dealing with bullying. Here are some specific suggestions on HOW to support your child behind the scenes so that they are ready when the time comes.


Wednesday, 17 February 2010 15:49

How Bullies & Cliques Are Made


BoyAngry1How Are Bullies made? If you really want to understand bullying you need to see it from the inside out and the outside in. Given the right (or wrong) circumstances it can happen to more of us that we might want to believe.


Monday, 01 February 2010 15:46

Creating Safe Schools

When it comes to bullying in schools there are 3 trains of thought:

BoyAngry1

 

1. Bullying doesn't happen that much.

2. Bullying happens but it's just part of life and people need to get over it.

3. Bullying is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

 

Let's take a look at these...


Tuesday, 26 January 2010 15:08

Stop Child From Hitting

fistshadowHi Annie:
I am looking for advice on how to handle my 10 year old grandson/son with ADHD, as he loses his temper in the evening after he is coming off his meds and lately hits me.  We are grandparents raising grandchildren through adoption.

His pediatrician says kids can get ugly coming off their meds. At a meeting we talked about how they know he can control his temper, as he does with other family members and at school.  It's a power struggle with him.  When I say XBox goes off, it's homework time, and I turn around I get kicked in the back.  It's now happening in the car and not just in my back. We tried to up his dose of medication and he did not feel well at all. Any advice? - Signed Caring Mom/Grandmom

Tuesday, 26 January 2010 08:56

Help with Harsh Sister-In-Law Part 1

Dear Annie,

angrywoman

My sister-in-law is a wonderful women. She is a protective and caring mother and the first to volunteer when someone needs help. Also my relationship with her is great. However she can be very hard on her husband, which in turn effects my wife and mother-in-law who lives with us (I am married to the husband's sister). My brother-in-law (BIL) provides her a very good life style, he is a successful doctor and she has never had to work outside the home and has wanted for nothing. Yet she appears to have no joy in her life.


The problem comes in that she makes BIL's life miserable if he ever wants to do anything with the guys (golf, cards). Recently, we invited them over only to be told that she didn't want to come. BIL did come with 2 of the 3 children, stayed a while and left. He could not explain her behavior primarily because he does not understand it himself. After he left my mother-in-law was in tears because she sees her son is not happy.  My wife has concerns about the well being of her brother and nieces. Should I get involved? Signed - Brother-In-Law-In-Law

Tuesday, 26 January 2010 08:51

Help with Harsh Sister-In-Law Part 2

Dear Brother-In-Law-In-Law,

In Part 1 of this question, we talked about the possible reasons for why your sister-in-law may be hard on her husband. In Part 2 we talk about whether you should you get involved.

Monday, 18 January 2010 09:28

Bought the Wii® - Now To Tell The Wife

Dear Annie,

I need some advice. I just purchased a Wii® for my kids even though I know my wife is going to be upset because money is tight right now.

I promised the kids months ago that if they behaved I would buy them one. I feel I let my kids down because I did not follow through. So I finally purchased the Wii® this weekend and have it hidden. How would you suggest I communicate with my wife what I have done? Signed - How To Tell My Wife
Thursday, 14 January 2010 16:06

To Butt In Or Not Butt In

Hi Annie,

iStockcouplefightingMy husband and I recently had an uncomfortable dinner with a good friend and her husband. During the evening her husband was dismissive of her: interrupting, competing for attention, and putting down some of her ideas when she talked. At one point they were both explaining their sides to an argument they were having - as if we were supposed to decide who was right. My husband says that my friend is kind of flaky and needs a guy like that to keep her from being impulsive. I say their marriage is in trouble.

After the evening, their bickering rubbed off on us. I want to talk to my friend and ask her what's going on. My husband says that it's just me butting in. So should I get involved? And if so HOW do I bring it up? Signed - Butt in or not?

Thursday, 14 January 2010 15:01

Butt In Or Not Butt In - Part 2

iStockgirlfriendtalkingDo you want to offer advice or bring up a touchy relationship topic to someone you care about? If so, are you good at giving advice?

Everyone can use a little support - as long as it is done well. Here are some questions to ponder before you decide to help someone with some issue, challenge or problem.

Thursday, 14 January 2010 15:33

Lonely Stay-At-Home Mom


Dear Annie,
lonelyMy stay-at-home wife "complains" about not having any close girl friends nearby. I work a lot and her family lives a couple of hours away. She is a hard worker around the house and with our 9 and 10 year old kids, but socially she rarely plans anything or makes much effort to get together with anyone. I encourage her to get out with the friends that she does have, but she never plans anything. She has a hard time making new friends and doesn't like to go out at night, when most of the friends that she has go out.

I get frustrated because she doesn't seem to do anything to fix the problem, and my suggestions are quickly dismissed.
Do you have any suggestions that I could use to help her become more social and make new friends? -  Signed - Frustrated Husband

stopcomplaining

The other day, my son and I were walking through our neighborhood and came upon a challenging stretch of sidewalk. This section had an encroaching row of hedges on one side and a thriving, tall flower bed on the other. My son is in a wheelchair and some of the flowers were sagging over just at the height of his face. Unfortunately, I was behind him pushing, and he isn't good at raising his arms. Add to this the fact that the bees were clearly in love with these blossoms and were everywhere. It was narrow and bumpy and hot and I found myself getting annoyed and felt a gripe coming on.

Thursday, 14 January 2010 14:06

What Was Wrong With My Parent's Parenting?

FatherknowsbestDear Annie,


When I combine all of the pros and cons of 'old school' parenting and compare the results of how the adults turned out, I have to argue that the 'old school' way produced better overall human beings. Each generation of kid I see come through my office seems to behave worse than the last. I’m a results person. And I may not agree with the means to getting there, whether it be fear, shame or physical punishment, but I cannot argue with the results. I was, and kids were, more respectful, obedient listeners than they are today. Now I see a new crop of young adults who are disrespectful, spoiled, and feel entitled to the world even though they’ve contributed nothing to it. It seems to me that whatever parents are doing (or not doing) nowadays is producing a poor result.

last_piece_of_pie With some variation here's how married life often happens. You meet the person of your dreams. You fall in love, get married, set up a home and possibly add some children. But then what?


Life gets busy. Kids, job requirements, house maintenance, individual hobbies, outside friendships and extended family obligations all take a piece of the pie. Our committed relationships get pushed further and further down the priorities list and before you know it, there is no more pie.

turkey.allanvernon.jpg
Parents' pleas for more grateful children are nothing new. And while sometimes frustrated parents come at gratitude from an 'I'll give you something to cry about' approach, teaching kids to 'give thanks' and notice what they have is a good idea. Not only because children who don't notice tend to be more self-centered, materialistic and prone to entitlement but because research has found that gratitude helps people have fewer depression symptoms while feeling more life satisfaction, optimism, resiliency and connection to others.

pile_of_mailNote: This article first appeared in A Different Path in 2002. It is one of my favorite pieces because it speaks to the challenges of grief when it is not as clear cut as sadness from an actual death.  Loss is tricky...

Recently, as I sorted the regular pieces of mail with its usual mixture of bills, catalogs and credit card offers, I was caught off-guard by an application from the town sports league inviting my 11 year old son to join a youth basketball team.

Sometimes when things like this happen I can just shrug them off, understanding that his name was just on a list like all the 5th grade boys in town. But other times it knocks me over. And the awareness that he is so not like other 5th grade boys brings me to tears.

Christmas_presentsA million Christmases ago, when my now-teenagers were little, besides the special wishlist items we put under the tree, I added a fairly simple gift of my own. I gave each of my sons a coupon for a 45 minute block of one-on-one time with me each week.

I don't recall thinking that this was THE gift, but I hoped it would help me carve out time to give each of my very different children what they needed.


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