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Dear Annie,
Note: This question is a combination of questions from different parents whose children are being bullied at school. My 12 year old son (daughter), a pretty typical kid (or a kid who might be a little too nice, too sensitive, too talkative, too socially clueless, too odd, too out-of-sync, too needy, too easily angered, too un-funny, too different looking, or even too confident) is being verbally bullied by a group of kids at school. I don't know if I am overreacting (I want to slap these kids silly, call their parents and yell at the teacher!) but I want to help him deal with this. I don't know how involved I should be or when and how I should take it to the next level. Any ideas? - Concerned Mom
STANDING UP TO BULLYING ROLEPLAYS - Helping your child practice what to say and how to say it can be extremely valuable because you get good at what you practice. Roleplaying is a very specific exercise that can help a child be prepared for dealing with bullying. Here are some specific suggestions on HOW to support your child behind the scenes so that they are ready when the time comes.
How Are Bullies made? If you really want to understand bullying you need to see it from the inside out and the outside in. Given the right (or in really wrong) circumstances it can happen to more of us that we might want to believe.
When it comes to bullying in schools there are 3 trains of thought:
1. Bullying doesn't happen that much.
2. Bullying happens but it's just part of life and people need to get over it.
3. Bullying is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.
Let's take a look at these...
Dear Annie,
Hi Annie:
Dear Annie,
My sister-in-law is a wonderful women. She is a protective and caring mother and the first to volunteer when someone needs help. Also my relationship with her is great. However she can be very hard on her husband, which in turn effects my wife and mother-in-law who lives with us (I am married to the husband's sister). My brother-in-law (BIL) provides her a very good life style, he is a successful doctor and she has never had to work outside the home and has wanted for nothing. Yet she appears to have no joy in her life.
The problem comes in that she makes BIL's life miserable if he ever wants to do anything with the guys (golf, cards). Recently, we invited them over only to be told that she didn't want to come. BIL did come with 2 of the 3 children, stayed a while and left. He could not explain her behavior primarily because he does not understand it himself. After he left my mother-in-law was in tears because she sees her son is not happy. My wife has concerns about the well being of her brother and nieces. Should I get involved? Signed - Brother-In-Law-In-Law
Dear Brother-In-Law-In-Law,
In Part 1 of this question, we talked about the possible reasons for why your sister-in-law may be hard on her husband. In Part 2 we talk about whether you should you get involved.
Dear Annie,
Hi Annie,
My husband and I recently had an uncomfortable dinner with a good friend and her husband. During the evening her husband was dismissive of her: interrupting, competing for attention, and putting down some of her ideas when she talked. At one point they were both explaining their sides to an argument they were having - as if we were supposed to decide who was right. My husband says that my friend is kind of flaky and needs a guy like that to keep her from being impulsive. I say their marriage is in trouble.
After the evening, their bickering rubbed off on us. I want to talk to my friend and ask her what's going on. My husband says that it's just me butting in. So should I get involved? And if so HOW do I bring it up? Signed - Butt in or not?
Do you want to offer advice or bring up a touchy relationship topic to someone you care about? If so, are you good at giving advice?
Everyone can use a little support - as long as it is done well. Here are some questions to ponder before you decide to help someone with some issue, challenge or problem.
My stay-at-home wife "complains" about not having any close girl friends nearby. I work a lot and her family lives a couple of hours away. She is a hard worker around the house and with our 9 and 10 year old kids, but socially she rarely plans anything or makes much effort to get together with anyone. I encourage her to get out with the friends that she does have, but she never plans anything. She has a hard time making new friends and doesn't like to go out at night, when most of the friends that she has go out. I get frustrated because she doesn't seem to do anything to fix the problem, and my suggestions are quickly dismissed. Do you have any suggestions that I could use to help her become more social and make new friends? - Signed - Frustrated Husband
Dear Annie,
According to an article in the Orlando Sentinel, January is to divorce lawyers what April is to tax accountants. Possibly not wanting to make the holidays any worse or realizing as another year ends that the marriage isn’t working, at least in some places, January is a big month to call it quits.
And while this article won't help couples with lawyers, it may help partners who aren’t there...yet.
Note: This article first appeared in A Different Path in 2002. It is one of my favorite pieces because it speaks to the challenges of grief when it is not as clear cut as sadness from an actual death. Loss is tricky...
A million Christmases ago, when my now-teenagers were little, besides the special wishlist items we put under the tree, I added a fairly simple gift of my own. I gave each of my sons a coupon for a 45 minute block of one-on-one time with me each week.
For those of you who don’t know, Diane Rehm hosts a show on NPR. According to the WAMU website: "For more than 25 years, The Diane Rehm Show has offered listeners thoughtful and lively conversations on an array of topics with many of the most distinguished people of our times." Now before you get too excited and to set the record straight, I wasn’t almost on the show as a guest, I was almost on the show as a caller. Actually, technically, I was on the show but let me get to that.
Dear Annie,
The other day while walking my dog in a public park I saw a boy of maybe 11 years old climb on top of a public fountain and stand on it and shout, "Look at me!" (I guess he was showing off for a girl.) This kid weighed at least 150 pounds and the fountain was free standing and very nice having been installed a couple of years earlier by the city. It was not fragile but it was not built for climbing.
So I asked the kid what he was doing and pointed out that he was standing on a drinking fountain and that the playground equipment was, "Over there." He responded with attitude then jumped down and I went on his way.
Dear Annie,
My daughter and son (48 and 56 respectively) do not get along. She refuses to be in his presence, won't enter his house if he's there, nor will she ask him to her house. He is the same towards her.
For years we have tried to think through the personal histories that have harassed them in many ways, including their interpersonal problems. I've tried, to discuss some of this with each of them, with little apparent success. My parenting part in their woes I have apologized for, but I can't go back in history and change things. They say they don't blame my single parenting, but that may or may not be true.
I love them both and this falling out is breaking my heart. Any advice?
- Still My Children
Dear Annie,
I am writing to you because of a situation that happened this summer that has created such resentment in me that I can't shake it. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and have four children, two with disabilities under the age of 10, a 21 year old who has bipolar disorder and a 17 year old who is very quiet, but otherwise fine.
One day, my father-in-law, who is bipolar himself, was fixing something in our backyard an d left the side gate open. When I came out and saw this, my heart dropped because my severely autistic 9 year old has gotten out before and had to be saved from being hit by a car in the middle of a busy road, so we all know the rules that all doors must be closed and locked at all times.
Because my father-in-law is hard to deal with I usually bite my tongue but this time, in my panic, I screamed at him that he should know better. At the time he had a shovel in his hands and he threw the dirt that was on it at me and shouted 'I should take this shovel and hit you over the head and kill you, you gave my son 4 retards!'
Dear Annie,
My husband and I have been married 10 months and are blissfully in love. We are currently on a cross-country trip together, and all kinds of conflicts are arising. We are fighting about reading maps, miles per gallon calculations, and the fact that my husband is talking on the phone while drinking coffee, and driving in congested city freeway traffic. We are only halfway through our trip. How do we finish this trip compatibly??
Signed - Driving Me Crazy
Dear Annie,
It seems like whenever I grant a special treat to my 8-year-old son, it makes everyone more miserable than if there were no treat at all. For example, if I surprise him with the statement that I'm making cookies for dessert, then he quickly starts complaining that he wants them for snack instead, or when I present the cookie, he complains that he wants two instead of one, or that he wishes they were a different kind, or... you get the picture.
Dear Annie,
Yesterday in the grocery store, I witnessed a bad interaction between a mother and her 4ish year old son. He was getting whiny about not getting a cereal that he wanted and mom told him he was being a brat. It got worse from there with the child defying her and trying to put the box in the cart anyway and mom's temper flaring. She didn't do anything excessively physical but she was clearly losing it. Being a mom myself, I try not to judge because we can all lose our cool sometimes, and I wanted to help but couldn't think of what I could say.
Several years ago, when my son tried to convince me that he had no choice but to hit his brother, I took the opportunity to teach my kids the word "rationalization." Powered by Joomla!. Designed by: Free Joomla Template, website hosting. Valid XHTML and CSS.