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Dear Brother-In-Law-In-Law,

In Part 1 of this question, we talked about the possible reasons for why your sister-in-law may be hard on her husband. In Part 2 we talk about whether you should you get involved.

Frankly at this point you might be saying, "Hell no! It's WAY too complicated." But if you're still game to consider it - read on:

So here is the checklist for being a good support:

_____ You're idea of involvement isn't taking on harshness with harshness (Check)
_____ You are someone who cares (Check)

_____ You have a decent relationship with the other parties (Check)
_____ You want to take on this role (Check?)
_____ You have the ability to use both empathy and challenge - at the right times (Check?)

_____ You have good boundaries and understand that you DO NOT have the power to
change anyone but yourself. (With the right skills a person has a chance at influencing others. But it is always up to the other to change or not.) Check?


babycryingWhere to get involved? There are different people you can get involved with - SIL, BIL, Wife, Mom, Nieces. The right person for supporting one may not be the best person to support another. So you may want to think about just where you want to put your energy.

Of course, supporting your wife by empathizing and possibly challenging as well is your first priority. Supporting your Mom-in-law may also be possible, depending on your relationship. And helping your nieces feel loved and welcome is of no small value.

You could also ask BIL if he would like to talk and be directly supportive to him in that way. You say that he doesn't understand her behavior. Perhaps sharing this answer with him (and possibly Lonely Stay-At-Home Mom) might be a good place to start. Of course he will likely need more skills as well since passiveness and aggressiveness are usually found in pairs. But that is for another day...

And finally, talking directly to SIL.

First let's get this out of the way: Telling your sister-in-law to give BIL a break or lighten up can actually work in some cases - but if you don't really care about her, it's just doing what she does back at her. This approach - usually done out of frustration - will likely damage your relationship, and it can only work if she is able to admit that she's too hard and he doesn't deserve it.

If you do care and are wondering about directly talking to SIL, then I suggest the following: First check if she would appreciate your support. And you might want to make sure BIL is ok with it.

Finding an opportunity for a real conversation - whether at a family gathering, or an invitation to coffee might be useful. If the timing seems right, you could ask permission to empathetically share your concerns. 'I see you as such a great mom and caring person but you don't seem to be happy.' Be careful not to take sides about the harshness issue. This is more about helping her find her way. We all need that sometimes. Depending on whether she is open to seeing her inner power to create her happiness or not will determine where the conversation goes from there.

I hope that this gives you some thoughts on considering your potential role. Good luck.

Take care,
Annie

Dear Annie,


I need some advice. I just purchased a Wii® for my kids even though I know my wife is going to be upset because money is tight right now.

I promised the kids months ago that if they behaved I would buy them one. I feel I let my kids down because I did not follow through. So I finally purchased the Wii® this weekend and have it hidden. How would you suggest I communicate with my wife what I have done? Signed - How To Tell My Wife
Dear How To Tell My Wife,
First let me ask you a few questions: Do you almost never do this kind of thing? Or is this usually how you deal with conflict in your marriage? If this kind of decision is not typical - then you have some money in your relationship bank account and can make a withdrawal: explain that it was important to you to keep your word to your kids, that you are sorry that you didn't talk about it first, and that in this case - you made the call (having a decent track record on making good calls helps too). If, on the other hand this is your usual way of getting your way - then you really do have insufficient funds. So you might want to rethink it.

In making the purchase, you told your wife her concerns didn't matter enough. Bringing it up now, puts you in a position of having to either defend yourself or be dismissive of your wife. Not great choices. If you want to strengthen your relationship AND possibly keep and enjoy the Wii too, then here is my suggestion: First be honest and ask yourself: Does my wife has a point? If money is: can't pay the electric bill tight - then put the Wii back on your wish list. If scrimping somewhere else can make the Wii affordable then: explain what you did, explain your honest reasons - without too much defensiveness (admit it if even a small part of you wanted the Wii too),
acknowledge your wife's legitimate disappointment in being left out of the decision (anger often masks hurt),
and offer any creative ideas on how to pay for it without dismantling the family budget. Then - and here's the real hard part - genuinely offer to return it if the two of you can't agree that it is affordable right now.

If you and your wife agree that it can work - then problem solved AND your marriage feels better. If you can't agree - then by keeping your word and returning it - you choose WE over Wii and make a big investment in your marriage. Frankly, if you do return it - it is perfectly reasonable to explain to your kids that you are sorry, however the purchase is being postponed until the economy gets better.

Please note: WE means you both get to has a say in family decisions. Sometimes one partner can be so good at arguing and being dismissive of the other that the other resorts to behind-the-back maneuvers to have some power. However sometimes one partner feels like their mate is working against them - leaving them shouldering more of the responsibility for making the hard choices so they get resentful. The key here is to have each other's backs AND find ways to get what you each want or give something up graciously.

Share the load - respect each other - find win-win solutions - and if you do keep the Wii® have fun together. Hope that was helpful. Good luck. - Annie

Hi Annie,

iStockcouplefightingMy husband and I recently had an uncomfortable dinner with a good friend and her husband. During the evening her husband was dismissive of her: interrupting, competing for attention, and putting down some of her ideas when she talked. At one point they were both explaining their sides to an argument they were having - as if we were supposed to decide who was right. My husband says that my friend is kind of flaky and needs a guy like that to keep her from being impulsive. I say their marriage is in trouble.

After the evening, their bickering rubbed off on us. I want to talk to my friend and ask her what's going on. My husband says that it's just me butting in. So should I get involved? And if so HOW do I bring it up? Signed - Butt in or not?

Dear Buttinski,

Wanting to help a friend is always a good thing. It's what makes a good friend. The question is: HOW do you best support your friend? Before we get to that - I wonder if it would help to look at what may have been going from a relationship standpoint.

So is she flaky? Is he dismissive? Are you a meddler? Is your husband a 'hands-off' kind of guy? My guess is that there is some truth to all of these - that's why you hooked up in the first place - It's the law of attraction and reaction. You are drawn to traits that are opposite of your strengths (Only then it was - She's spontaneous, He's smart, You're involved, Your husband's laid-back) and then you react negatively to those traits because they are different from your style. (The trick is to make this facet of relationships work for you! And there are ways to do that. See Couples Resources for ideas.)

So what might have been going on at dinner? Whether it is griping to a friend, airing your dirty laundry, or respectfully asking someone to determine who is right - the purpose is the same: to find an ally. But when you want an ally against your partner - it's because he or she doesn't feel like one. Meaning you either don't have or are not using good skills to deal with the issue between you. (Of course - one night of being adversarial does not a divorce make - though how many you need for such a thing is better not to find out).

The good news is that putting an issue out there means they were trying to figure it out. (Maybe not effectively, but they were trying!) And better they are airing their grievance together than separately.

iStockgirlfriendtalkingAnd the truth is that sometimes we can all use a quality dose of perspective. Just getting good outside observations can break through the walls that we have put up against our partner. You know the ones we can't hear through!

Now should that dose come over dinner with friends? It depends very heavily on the friendship. But it can come that way, or from a book or an advice column, from a movie or a class, from a wise, trusted elder (or younger) or maybe even a counselor. It can come from a buddy who knocks you upside the head and says, "Dude, what are you doing?" Or it could come from a caring friend with good listening skills, excellent boundaries, an optimistic air, and the willingness to be both empathetic and possibly challenging (See Butt In Or Not Part 2).

It might even come from watching some friends fight badly. And realizing that you want to do better than that.

Hope that was helpful - Take care, Annie



Hi Annie,

iStockcouplefightingMy husband and I recently had an uncomfortable dinner with a good friend and her husband. During the evening her husband was dismissive of her: interrupting, competing for attention, and putting down some of her ideas when she talked. At one point they were both explaining their sides to an argument they were having - as if we were supposed to decide who was right. My husband says that my friend is kind of flaky and needs a guy like that to keep her from being impulsive. I say their marriage is in trouble.

After the evening, their bickering rubbed off on us. I want to talk to my friend and ask her what's going on. My husband says that it's just me butting in. So should I get involved? And if so HOW do I bring it up? Signed - Butt in or not?


Dear Buttinski,

Wanting to help a friend is always a good thing. It's what makes a good friend. The question is: HOW do you best support your friend? Before we get to that - I wonder if it would help to look at what may have been going from a relationship standpoint.

So is she flaky? Is he dismissive? Are you a meddler? Is your husband a 'hands-off' kind of guy? My guess is that there is some truth to all of these - that's why you hooked up in the first place - It's the law of attraction and reaction. You are drawn to traits that are opposite of your strengths (Only then it was - She's spontaneous, He's smart, You're involved, Your husband's laid-back) and then you react negatively to those traits because they are different from your style. (The trick is to make this facet of relationships work for you! And there are ways to do that. See Couples Resources for ideas.)

So what might have been going on at dinner? Whether it is griping to a friend, airing your dirty laundry, or respectfully asking someone to determine who is right - the purpose is the same: to find an ally. But when you want an ally against your partner - it's because he or she doesn't feel like one. Meaning you either don't have or are not using good skills to deal with the issue between you. (Of course - one night of being adversarial does not a divorce make - though how many you need for such a thing is better not to find out).

The good news is that putting an issue out there means they were trying to figure it out. (Maybe not effectively, but they were trying!) And better they are airing their grievance together than separately.

iStockgirlfriendtalkingAnd the truth is that sometimes we can all use a quality dose of perspective. Just getting good outside observations can break through the walls that we have put up against our partner. You know the ones we can't hear through!

Now should that dose come over dinner with friends? It depends very heavily on the friendship. But it can come that way, or from a book or an advice column, from a movie or a class, from a wise, trusted elder (or younger) or maybe even a counselor. It can come from a buddy who knocks you upside the head and says, "Dude, what are you doing?" Or it could come from a caring friend with good listening skills, excellent boundaries, an optimistic air, and the willingness to be both empathetic and possibly challenging (See Butt In Or Not Part 2).

It might even come from watching some friends fight badly. And realizing that you want to do better than that.

Hope that was helpful - Take care, Annie



Dear Annie,

lonelyMy stay-at-home wife "complains" about not having any close girl friends nearby. I work a lot and her family lives a couple of hours away. She is a hard worker around the house and with our 9 and 10 year old kids, but socially she rarely plans anything or makes much effort to get together with anyone. I encourage her to get out with the friends that she does have, but she never plans anything. She has a hard time making new friends and doesn't like to go out at night, when most of the friends that she has go out.

I get frustrated because she doesn't seem to do anything to fix the problem, and my suggestions are quickly dismissed.
Do you have any suggestions that I could use to help her become more social and make new friends? -  Signed - Frustrated Husband


Dear Frustrated Husband,FeetDancing
Think of advice giving like a dance. The key to this dance is not to lead because it can cause your partner to drag their feet or not find their own rhythm. You want to help your wife? First, become a better dance partner by changing your steps.


Instead of taking the lead with giving suggestions, ask what would help more - listening (with empathy) or giving advice? If she just wants you to listen (btw - many people do!),
here's an empathy reminder: Being a mom is often selfless and draining. She's not getting a lot of practice thinking about herself. She may also have little energy to develop friendships - especially if that's not one of her strengths. Finding good friends isn't that easy and not all relationships have that much potential. That's why we often go back to family - because the blood thing really does give us a deeper connection.

Once you have listened, ask how else you can support her? Keep listening? Encourage her? Help with real barriers like child care? Be a bridge? Help her think of ideas?

If she wants ideas, first see if you can jump on any possibilities she already has. And finally, ask if she wants a few more. Only if she is receptive take the lead.

Pose your suggestions as questions. Here are a variety of ideas to choose from (but only offer a few): What about Susy from down the block? A part-time job? Volunteering at...? Going back to school? Taking classes? Joining or starting a book club? Places where you share common interests - like church, hobby classes, kids' activities or virtual communities? How about taking a few days to visit family or plan a sisters' get-away without kids?

AND...eh...I know you work a lot but is there something YOU could do to fill the void? Perhaps she married you because she wants to spend time with you as well? A regular date night might help her feel more cared about or joining something together might help.

If you feel her resistance coming back - stop.
This might be where you kindly challenge her to decide if she wants things to change and possibly point out how she gets in her own way. "OK you say you want things to be different but you don't do much to change things." Or "I'm trying to help and now you're yelling at me."

She may be stuck in complain mode and need to be challenged. She might also be depressed. If you suspect this, KINDLY suggest that she talk to someone - family member, priest, therapist. It is possible that beneath this complaint, your wife feels lost. What is her purpose? What does she have to look forward to? What is she engaged in that makes her feel valued, cared about, creative, and challenged? (Folding laundry doesn't count.)


Finally, remind yourself - and your wife - that you love her. Then love and support her as she figures it out.

Please let me know if that helps.
Take care, Annie

iStockgirlfriendtalkingDo you want to offer advice or bring up a touchy relationship topic to someone you care about? If so, are you good at giving advice?

Everyone can use a little support - as long as it is done well. Here are some questions to ponder before you decide to help someone with some issue, challenge or problem.

1. How good are your boundaries and what is your agenda? Being honest (nobody's looking right now) - Are you a buttinski? Do you sometimes get carried away with other people's challenges and then feel compelled to try to fix them? Do you need to help? Do you see yourself as an expert who has all the answers? (If so - you will want to make sure that you are practice good stuff - including not being righteous and judgmental - before you try to help others.) That is not to say that if you are any of those things - you can't be helpful, however having good boundaries is the best ingredient in good helpfulness. So if you are genuine, have good boundaries and are truly concerned about your friend's happiness - I say give it a shot by asking permission first. In your own words, say something like: "Can I ask you about the other night?"


2. Do you understand relationships? Are you the type of person that understands that relationships - especially intimate ones - are never as simple as what we see from the outside? Are you making assumptions about what this one evening meant? Being TOO much on her side - is not really being on her side if this relationship is important to her. If you want to help - you need to go in with an open mind and appreciate that relationships have lots of pieces to them and that from the outside you will never really know what they are. Asking: "It looks like you two weren't getting along too well. What was up?" might be a good place to start.


Note: Where she takes it from there, and how good you are at playing the support role will determine what happens next.  This opening will likely give you one of three answers: A minimizer statement designed to shut the conversation down: "Oh - it was no big deal." A maximizer statement (be prepared for venting): "I am so sick of [insert name or put-down here]." Or a moderate response: "Yeah, we weren't really having a good night." So where do you take it from there? I recommend using the ETC approach: Empathize Then (not But) Challenge. "Couples fight sometimes. I was just concerned because you didn't seem to be happy with each other." Then shhhhh - and see where she wants to go from there.


If you bring optimism and maybe even some ideas - later on in the conversation - it can be a great gift."


stopcomplaining

The other day, my son and I were walking through our neighborhood and came upon a challenging stretch of sidewalk. This section had an encroaching row of hedges on one side and a thriving, tall flower bed on the other. My son is in a wheelchair and some of the flowers were sagging over just at the height of his face. Unfortunately, I was behind him pushing, and he isn't good at raising his arms. Add to this the fact that the bees were clearly in love with these blossoms and were everywhere. It was narrow and bumpy and hot and I found myself getting annoyed and felt a gripe coming on.

I am a recovering IGS sufferer. IGS stands for Irritable Gripe Syndrome, a chronic condition that makes you focus on situations, traits or people that annoy you. It is usually noticeable in self-talk, conversations with others, and written and electronic transmissions (like impulsive e-mails or snarky public comments on-line).

The main symptoms of IGS are irritability and blame. Additional symptoms include exaggeration of problems and an inability to shift to a larger perspective.

During an episode, gripyness can be blamed on neighbors; people (like drivers) who seem inconsiderate or thoughtless; illogical rules or the people who enforce them; pushy or mean people; people who are too nice; people of the opposite sex or the opposite political party. It can be blamed on inconvenient or unfair situations; bad parenting, telemarketers or incompetent co-workers. Terminal IGS sufferers gripe about things that haven't changed, things that are changing, and things that have already changed (obviously for the worse). They can also gripe about themselves but only as victims - like when griping about how much weight they've gained. I focus most of my blame on my husband who is imperfect and my kids who really can be slugs.

IGS can be difficult to live with for both the sufferer and those around them. But in sympathy for IGS sufferers the world isn't always on your side. Griping often comes out when you feel helpless in a situation. Especially if you have chronic inconveniences, incompetencies or challenges in your life, you may have to work that much harder to keep from having an episode.

Interestingly, while unhappiness, depression, social quarantine, and retaliation are some of the costs of IGS, there may be some advantages to having this disease. You can blame others for your problems instead of trying to deal with them. You can get out of work or chores because no one wants to deal with you. And if you are really good, you can go pro and become a media personality.

 

Signs that you may have Irritable Gripe Syndrome:

  • Someone left this article on your pillow, your desk or your in-box. Worth a gripe!
  • You can't stop after one gripe.
  • You look forward to griping - especially after a long day.
  • You foster situations that give you excuses to gripe.
  • You can gripe about anyone for just about anything.
  • The intro story in this article caused a gripe reaction from your own life. NOTE: If that story triggered anger at your neighbors, neighbors with hedges, summer, seasons that are not summer, flowers, bees, spelling bees, Richard Gere, a person you work with whose name starts with a B, your partner, gay marriage, evangelicals, and people in wheelchairs, etc. You may actually have TRS (Toxic Resentment Syndrome). Seek help immediately.

How to Live/Work with an IGS sufferer:

  • Appreciate that some griping is developmental. In fact, teens almost can't help it.
  • Accept some griping as part of life and nod appropriately.
  • Recognize when griping is a legitimate complaint and empathize. Life can be a bitch sometimes.
  • Model non-griping behaviors. Don't fake IGS to fit in. Fake IGS has been known to lead to the real deal.
  • If the gripe is about you, own up if you really are doing something gripe-worthy.
  • Consider a planned intervention for chronic griping
  • Notice any improvement - less griping and/or ending a gripe session better
  • If intervention really does not work - limit time with IGS sufferer or move on. Life is too short.

Treatment for IGS:

Even though, for some reason, it does seem easier to think and share crappy rather than happy stuff - the first step in treating IGS is admitting that you have a problem - and a choice. Turns out you don't actually HAVE to get annoyed. If you are ready to change, here are treatments that may work for you:

  • Watch your diet. Do you really need that gripe?
  • Address both your internal griping and your 'out-loud' griping.
  • Notice when you are falling over the edge and say, 'I don't want to go there.'
  • Watch the company you keep. Fellow/Sister Gripers?
  • Substitute gratitude or empathy for griping. Studies have shown that focusing on gratitude really does cut down on the urge to gripe.
  • Ask yourself - what's really going on? How is your stress level? How's your sleep been? Are you hungry? In relationships - are you feeling unappreciated or unnoticed?
  • Learn stress/anger management skills. Seriously - they help!
  • If you REALLY need to gripe - gripe effectively:
    1. Use moderation. Trying to go cold-turkey may lead to poorly-timed explosive episodes. Set a limit to your gripes and cut back one each day. Work up to gripe-free days.
    2. If you write a griping e-mail or note, either don't send it or send it only to yourself.
    3. Put a time and topic limit on the gripe (1-5 minute limit/No tangenting) - and end with either a positive action statement (I can take a different route or nicely point out the situation to my neighbor),
      empathy (she really does love her flowers) or a balancing statement (Seriously, it's only 50' here).
    4. If you need to gripe to someone else - Gripe to the right person and only if they are ok going there (Be wary of other IGS sufferers - that's why talking to yourself if you suffer from IGS isn't a good idea.)
    5. Spread out your griping so that no one person has to hear it all.
    6. Instead of griping, be part of the solution. Constructively discuss a frustrating situation with your family or at a team meeting. (But not every meeting!) Brainstorm solutions and participate in, rather than sabotage, them.

    Because of my son, I was able to qualify for a free, natural, Anti-Gripe Patch® which has been shown to alter memory and perspective as in - 'Oh yeah I remember - this isn't a big deal.' You do have to put it on, and it isn't 100% effective but it can help.

    No question about it - you can always find something to gripe about but there is a cost. It could be a nice walk with your son or an appreciation of a bed of well-loved flowers. And frankly, especially in this economy, not many of us can afford the price.

    Annie Zirkel is a relationship and optimism consultant in Ann Arbor and can be found at www.practicehow.com. Contact her at annie@practicehow.com. IGS and TRS are not technically recognized by any professional organizations as true psychological disorders. The Anti-Gripe Patch® is not a real product though certain prescribed medications have been known to have a similar effect.

    Creative Commons License photo credit: aturkus

FatherknowsbestDear Annie,


When I combine all of the pros and cons of 'old school' parenting and compare the results of how the adults turned out, I have to argue that the 'old school' way produced better overall human beings. Each generation of kid I see come through my office seems to behave worse than the last. I’m a results person. And I may not agree with the means to getting there, whether it be fear, shame or physical punishment, but I cannot argue with the results. I was, and kids were, more respectful, obedient listeners than they are today. Now I see a new crop of young adults who are disrespectful, spoiled, and feel entitled to the world even though they’ve contributed nothing to it. It seems to me that whatever parents are doing (or not doing) nowadays is producing a poor result.

Why did my parents never visit a behavior counselor to figure out how to parent? I feel like us parents today are made to feel so ignorant or inadequate that we need an owners’ manual or need to pay a person like yourself to instruct us on parenting. Why can we not just follow what our parents did? Who decided my parents were so bad? Especially when evidence shows my parents raised a good kid that turned out to be a good adult as well. Signed - Old School Dad


Dear Old School Dad,

Thank you so much for your insights, comments and questions. I think you make some very valid points about parenting and have some reasonable concerns about what is happening today. I am not sure I can address them all, but I do have some thoughts to offer.

First let me respond to your question: 

Why do parents come to someone like me to figure out how to parent?

Parents come to people like me because they are looking for support, a reality check, validation that they are doing a decent job, and ideas on how to respond to the unchartered challenges of parenting today. I also find that, while you were fortunate to have had an upbringing that worked for you, not all adults would say the same. Wanting to avoid what they consider missteps or damaging legacies from their own upbringing, they come looking for alternatives.


Now what about kids today? I hear ya! While there were certainly downsides to the 'old school' parenting styles - there was a strong insistence on manners and respectful talk to authorities. The only downside I see is that the method to getting such good results - for many parents - relied heavily on physical punishment, shame, embarrassing and demeaning consequences, belittling, abusiveness, guilt-tripping, and withdrawal of support and love. And while I agree that results are important, I am also concerned by the damage done by the methods.

I think that in trying to counter the downsides to 'old school' parenting, the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction.

Just Right Parenting: So how to get it just right? Let's first talk about parenting styles. Generally, there are 4 styles that can be seen in parenting. They are: Permissive, Authoritative, Authoritarian, and Non-Involved.parenting_styles_4-1

These styles have varying combinations of 'responsiveness' (or regard for child) and 'demandingness' (or expectations of child). Some parents - especially those who had good models and good support for their parenting - balance these well. Authoritarian is TOO HARD, Permissive is TOO SOFT, while Authoritative is JUST RIGHT. (Click here for more indepth information - Baumrind, 1991).

Now I don't know you or your parents, but I suspect they found a decent balance and that is why you turned out the way you did.

Of course I can go on about the nuances of all of these parenting styles. Like the fact that Uninvolved parenting is still balanced! Just not a good idea. And the fact that it is more challenging to get respectful children without the use of strong punishments and shame - but again - the costs... I also see too many parents abdicating their parental power to their children - (and frankly I do want to ask - What are you doing?) and help them reclaim their power without creating power-crazy parents.

So these are some of my many thoughts. I am very grateful that you took the time to put your questions out there. I hope my responses are of some value.

Take care, Annie

Couple turning towardWith some variation here's how married life often happens. You meet the person of your dreams. You fall in love, get married, set up a home and possibly add some children. But then what?

Life gets busy. Kids, job requirements, house maintenance, individual hobbies, outside friendships and extended family obligations all take a piece of the pie. Our committed relationships get pushed further and further down the priorities list and before you know it, there is no more pie.

More commonly, women notice first (not always in a kind way!) with men for various reasons leaning toward a minimizer approach to a couple's issues. In many couples, this combination can become extreme with more yelling matches about who ate the last piece interspersed with days of silence or bare tolerance of the hunger. Weeks turn into months, turn into years. As a couple feels increasingly helpless and the results of long-term hunger pile up, escape to forage elsewhere or to just focus on your own needs may feel like a matter of survival.

Not a pretty picture but remember it didn't start out this way. So let's back it up a bit.

John Gottman, a researcher and marriage expert has identified 7 crucial ingredients necessary to have and sustain a good couple relationship. One ingredient that seems intriguing is that couples in positive relationships make and take opportunities to turn toward each other. What that means is that they develop a rhythm of connection for daily tasks, sharing good news, venting about external stresses and leaning on each other when life is tough.

In Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, #4 is Turning Toward Each Other. Gottman offers a list of ideas for those who may need some suggestions but whatever you do it is the together that is the key. Getting support when there is outside stress and a partner to share you good moments with reminds you that your mate is a keeper.

Date nights, daily stress debriefings, even going to a funeral together can remind you of your love. While the busy couple may divvy up the chores thinking this is the most prudent use of time, multitasking for the relationship might be a better idea. I know of a couple with a great solution - they do their food shopping together. After seeing them together several times I finally asked the woman what was up and she said, 'It's just something we do. We're so busy so we use shopping to find time to talk about our days, what we want to eat, plans that are coming up.' Brilliant!

I know another couple who took a dance class together. This was a wife who was feeling like her marriage was dying a slow death. But the class helped her get a fresh image of her husband. They laughed, got exercise and met other couples investing in their relationships. And while one class can't be the end of it, it got the ball rolling.

The challenge is often in finding the energy to move in this direction. Women, by far majority, instigate much of the connection in a relationship. And as long as both partners feel good about this dynamic this can work fine. However, often it becomes a power struggle filled with resentment. Women can begin to feel resentful of the burden of being responsible for the relationship while men may resist because they feel controlled. This brings up Gottman's Principle #5 which is also very interesting: Let Your Partner Influence You. Are you open to your partner's ideas, suggestions, needs? If not, marriage just got harder.

And while Gottman states that both parties can struggle with this, he notes that men are much more likely to have trouble in this area. Often when I discuss some of the strategies used in positive relationships women complain that their partners would never do many of these. So husbands may really need to explore this one. What does allowing your partner to influence you mean? Can you find a way to be more open?

Of course this is not just an article to challenge men. One reason a husband may resist is because of HOW his partner tries to influence him. Gottman also talks about Soft versus Harsh Start-Ups and their different effects on relationships. Criticism and shame, anger and put downs will not help, and need to be reconsidered. YOU are responsible for what comes out of your mouth. So if this is an issue for you, work on being more kind and even appreciating your partner! Remember each partner, in every interaction chooses the direction of the couple's energy.

Obviously there is more to marriage than spending time together. Handling conflict well, treating each other with respect and making yourself someone that your mate wants to spend time with are pretty important too.

Bottom line is this. If you want a strong, positive relationship you need to invest in it. So if you don't want your marriage to be about coming apart then consider making it be about coming together. One suggestion? Bake a pie together...and start at the supermarket.

Annie Zirkel, LPC is a Relationship Consultant based in Ann Arbor, Mi and appreciates how challenging couplehood is. Contact her at annie@practicehow.com

 

diane_rehm_website

For those of you who don’t know, Diane Rehm hosts a show on NPR. According to the WAMU website: "For more than 25 years, The Diane Rehm Show has offered listeners thoughtful and lively conversations on an array of topics with many of the most distinguished people of our times."


Now before you get too excited and to set the record straight, I wasn’t almost on the show as a guest, I was almost on the show as a caller. Actually, technically, I was on the show but let me get to that.


The guest of the day was Greg Mortenson, author of 3 Cups of Tea and person of amazing commitment and perseverance. His story involves getting lost in the Himalayans, finding a remote village and eventually building schools for girls in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Unexpectedly, Mr. Mortenson was late to the show so Diane, as I call her, asked listeners who had read the book to call in to chat.

I redialed the show’s number more than a dozen times before I got a person who asked me to explain why I should be on the show. I told her that my book club had read the book and it had stirred some interesting and varying reactions. The screener decided on the spot that that warranted a moment of fame and put me on hold to wait my turn. I waited in my car, in the parking lot of the Reuse Center on Industrial Rd. in Ann Arbor.

As the show progressed, Diane continued to work her way through the callers. Each time she went to the phones she announced her intentions and let all the listeners know who and where the call was coming from. For a nerve racking half an hour I heard, ‘So let’s go to the phones, we have...’ (a pounding heart...) ‘so and so from some state other than Michigan, go ahead so and so, you’re on the air...’

I listened to the show on my phone as I waited. It was a good show. Greg, as I would have called him if I had gotten the chance, finally arrived about 20 minutes later and told his story about some of his successes and challenges and about some of the threats he’d received - surprisingly from his own country.

 


As I listened to the sometimes interesting, sometimes not, comments, I contemplated what brilliant things I was going to say if I had my chance. The screener had warned me not to delay with thanking Diane or gushing about being on the air - just get right to the point - but while I thought I had one - I wasn’t sure what was actually going to come out of my mouth if and when I got my turn.

 

Then my phone battery started chiming in with an occasional beep to let me know of its own concerns. Feeling fidgety and not sure of proper protocol for waiting to get on the air, I actually walked around the Reuse Center with my phone, listening to the show. That was pretty cool because obviously no one knew that I wasn’t just an obnoxious person walking around with her cell phone but that I was actually a grandiose person on hold for Diane Rehm walking around with her cell phone.

With about 10 minutes left of the program, I returned to my car.

Now my phone was getting rather demanding. With no charger in the car and being too far from home I decided to wait it out even though I hadn’t thought out my clever contributions to international diplomacy or what would happen if my battery died while actually speaking to Diane and Greg.

And then it happened. There was Diane going to the phones and me hearing “Annie” and “Ann Arbor” and “Good morning Annie. You’re on the air.’ And this is where I think I possibly blacked out for a minute.

Luckily a somewhat surprised friend was listening from her home and later filled me in on my whereabouts. Turns out I fairly reasonably got out, “Hi Diane, so we read this book for our book club and there were a variety of reactions.” On my end I heard a BEEP and the line went dead. On the air, Diane was apparently equally distraught and ‘so sorry’ she lost me, though given her professionalism she didn’t miss a beat and went on with the show.

As I came to, I looked around the gray parking lot for some acknowledgement of what just happened and what almost just happened. Nothing. No sign of anything other than some people dropping off discarded household items and some other people picking them up.

But I decided that whether I had or whether I hadn’t gotten my few minutes of fame, the world would have looked pretty much the same. Because unlike Mr. Mortenson, I was only going to talk about changing the world, he was actually doing something about it.

 

Annie Zirkel is a Relationship Consultant and NPR listener based in Ann Arbor, Mi. You can reach her at annie@practicehow.com